Puns [Excerpt from the book I'm working on]

I was 14, scabbed up knees, slightly sunburned skin.

Stupid haircut, stupid band shirt from a concert my parents took me to. I had a few fake piercings, and a couple of streaks in my hair.

It was a little obnoxious.

He wore faded second hand jeans and a shirt from a school event.

It was bright that afternoon. No clouds.

Heat wavered on the sidewalks. There was barely any shade as we walked down the cracked an uneven sidewalks through the historic district, hands sticky from melting popsicles taken from my parents’ freezer.

We dripped sweat, but the breeze blowing in from the river felt like heaven. Small boats were tied up at the docks, and tourists sat around on benches, waiting for a ferry out to the island.

We stopped by an old playground in the grove of gnarled oak trees. There were a few kids on the slides, but we took over the swingset.

He climbed up onto the top and hung down by his knees.

“So how about that new Swordfish album?” He asked, face bright red from the blood rushing to his head. “You got it last weekend, right?”

“It sucks.” I said. “Don’t even bother.”

“Really? I haven’t heard it yet. I thought that uh… that one song on the radio with the really long solo was pretty good.”

I stuck out my tongue.

“It’s too poppy. I can’t stand it.”

“Well that’s too bad.” He said, twisting back up to sit on top of the top of the swingset. “Hey, how do pigs talk to each other?”

I looked up to see he’d finished his popsicle and was reading the stick.

“Oh Union no. Please don’t.”

“Swine-language.”

I threw a handful of mulch up at him.

“Hey, hey, if I fall I could break my neck and die. You’d be sorry.”

“Wait, let me work on my aim then. I think there are some rocks over there.”

He hung back down and flicked the popsicle stick in my face before sitting up again.

“What’s yours say?”

“No, I’m going to burn them both and you’ll just have to live with never knowing.”

“Why do you always do this to me? I can’t stand not knowing.”

“I just exist to make you suffer.”

He made an exaggerated strangled noised and dropped down again, clutching at his chest and throat before dropping into the mulch.

“I knew it…” He gasped. “Oh… The pain. The betrayal is worse than the bruising.”

“You should just quit theater.” I said, nudging him with my sneaker. “Do school newspaper full time.”

“Hey now.” He said, sitting up. “That one cut deep. I actually put effort into that. Besides, I don’t see a problem with doing both… Or rather doing all… crap, how many clubs am I in now?”

He started counting off on his fingers.

“Five? Wait, technically seven.”

“You’re crazy.” I said, shaking my head.

“Just ambitious! Besides, there’s not much better to do. Wait-” He checked his watch and groaned. “Grams wanted me home fifteen minutes ago.”

I wrinkled my nose.

“Why? It’s a Saturday.”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” He said, laying flat in the mulch and rubbing his eyes. “Probably another trip out to Lumo. Ughhh… I don’t wanna go.”

“You better bring me along next time. Remember, you promised!”

“I did, didn’t I? I’ll see about it. You’d probably find it really boring though. I mean, I don’t go to any of the museums or shopping when I’m there. It’s just spending time with my family.”

“Yeah, but… Lumo. I’ve never been. And your family’s rich, right? Making that good Biomancy money. Maybe they’d let us take a day trip out to town or something.”

“Yeah, that doesn’t mean it’s fun or anything.”

“I still don’t see why you’ve gotta live… here… with your uh…”

“It’s complicated.” He said. “Everything’s just really, really complicated. My mom hasn’t exactly got all her uh… marbles.”

“Doesn’t seem like your gramma does either…”

“Hey!”

“I’m just saying… I know you hate being home and stuff. Seems like she never has anything nice to say.”

“She’s just like that. I think she means well, though. I mean… Just forget it. It’s none of your business anyway. Come on, I need to go home.”

“I’m sorry…”

“No, it’s fine. It’s not you.” He said, getting to his feet and rubbing his eyes.

I still felt guilty for bringing it up as we started to walk back.

He was in a bit more of a rush than usual, though and led me through a few unusual shortcuts through the neighborhood.

“Hey, isn’t there that one really mean guard Biom over in the Jenson’s yard?” I couldn’t help but ask as we jumped a neighbor’s fence and scurried through it.

“Yeah, why?”

“I mean, I really don’t want to get chewed up.”

“Oh. Right.” He said, furrowing his eyebrows as he kept going. “Don’t worry about it.”

I still followed him, feeling a bit nervous as we reached the backyard of the Jenson’s house. The thing was huge and breathed through a giant vertical mouth, full of angler fish
teeth.

I hung back and fidgeted as he jumped the fence and kept walking.

“Hey-” I started.

“You coming?” He asked, turning around and looking at me.

The thing ran up to him and screeched mechanically in his face, but Michael just squinted a bit as his face got hit with slobber.

“Knock it off.” He muttered, waving his hand dismissively, then looked back at me again, jerking his head toward the yard.

The Biom turned around and sat back in its place like a sad puppy.

I cautiously jumped the fence and followed him up. Michael kept his eyes on the thing, and it didn’t move, like it was scared of him.

“What?” I hissed as we jumped the fence again.

He shrugged, a little embarrassed.

“Oh, she’s just a sweetheart, gets a little protective of the yard, though.”

“No way. How do you do that? Are you hacking it or something?”

“No.” He laughed. “It’s just tone of voice and posture and stuff.”

“That’s how dogs work. Not Bioms.”

“What’s the difference?” He asked as we neared the long dirt road up to his house.

“There’s a huge difference there. You sure you’re not Novus?”

“Pretty damn sure.” He laughed.

“Then how do you do it?”

He crossed his arms and considered.

“Why don’t you tell me the pun on the popsicle stick?”

I groaned and rolled my eyes.

“Okay… okay… Why did the fish get a bad report card…”

“I don’t know. Why?”

I grit my teeth.

“Because all of its grades were under ‘C.’”

He laughed, mostly at my expression.

“Ok, now you’ve gotta tell me!”

“Well… The truth is…”

“Come on! Don’t drag it out.”

“The truth is I haven’t got a damn clue.” He laughed. “I guess it’s some weird fluke. My grandma can do it, though. And my mom can. Maybe a weird genetic thing that runs in the family.”

My shoulders fell.

“Well that’s not interesting at all. You sure you don’t want to go into Biomancy though? You seem to be practically made for it.”

He laughed bitterly.

“Oh, trust me. I’m not. Besides, my grandma made it pretty clear that I shouldn’t. She’s old fashioned, you know. Women weave life and men weave numbers and metal and all that. I’m not suited for it. I’m already something of a stain on the ‘family legacy’.” He laughed.

I rolled my eyes.

“This is exactly what I was talking about earlier.” I grumbled.

He waved his hand again.

I stood at the end of the path, at the foot of the porch steps.

I hated the feeling around that old house.

Peeling paint. Moss growing on any surface it could. Some weird instinct just felt repulsed by the place.

I shoved my hands in my pockets as he took a step up and hesitated.

“I guess I’ll see you later then.” He said.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Take care.”

“You too.”

“You can… come in if you really want.”

“I probably shouldn’t.”

“Yeah…”

“Well… Bye.”

“Bye.”

I hesitated as he disappeared behind the torn up screen door and frowned before making my way back home.